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| NFL Mock Draft |
Since the first round is so long, I'll be breaking it up into five different posts. Today's post?
The Top 10.
1.) Carolina Panthers -- Blaine Gabbert's Hair, QB, Mizzou (Jr.)
While there are many people who believe Cam Newton's Bank Account and Jake Locker's Pre-Season Hypeare better suited for the #1 overall pick, there's no debate as to who the best mane in the entire draft belongs to. Gabbert's golden locks flow effortlessly in the breeze, and fall into place almost the instant he rolls out of bed. He was once asked how he keeps his hair so silky and smooth:
"Well, a lot of conditioner. Mainly, you have to want great hair. Guys like Tom Brady, Troy Polamalu, Clay Matthews, and Justin Bieber don't just have great hair, they all demand great hair. I have to thank God, my parents, and the people at Mane 'n Tail for making these strands of perfection what they are today."
Most people believe Gabbert's hair will do battle with incumbent, Jimmy Clausen's hair, but eventually come out on top.
2.) Denver Broncos -- Urban Meyer, HC, Florida (RS Sr.)
The selection of QB/prophet Tim Tebow was widely panned as a reach, but Tebow showed he has exceptional athleticism for a guy his size who is also white. The Broncos then take the next step in making sure their initial investment was a sound one by drafting Meyer (who just so happens to be BFFs with Timmy).
Upon hearing the Broncos brass has drafted Meyer, an ecstatic Tebow responds via text message:
"lolwut? Is this 4 serious? OMG i <3 Urbz! Hes totes my BFF4L! xoxo tBow"
3.) Buffalo Bills -- Tecmo Bowl Thurman Thomas, RB, Buffalo Bills
I don't love Tecmo Bowl as much as my friends do. Whenever I played, I would be the 49ers because Jerry Rice was impossible to stop. My friend was always the Bills because of the Thomas/Andre Reed/"QB Bills" triple threat combo, and he'd always crush me. I stopped playing in protest after he let me be the usually forbidden Oakland Bo Jacksons and still lost by 3 TDs.
I hate Tecmo Bowl, and I hate that damned Thurman Thomas.
4.) Cincinnati Bengals -- Joffrey Reynolds, Calgary Stampeders
"Who is Joffrey Reynolds"
"Running back, Calgary Stampeders. He's really good."
"Taco, it's NFL players only, ok?"
5.) Arizona Cardinals -- Brett Favre's NSFW Text Messages, QB, Somewhere in Mississippi
Well, they needed a QB pretty badly, and to be completely honest, it's an upgrade over Derek Anderson and Max Hall.
6.) Cleveland Browns -- Cleveland Brown, Deli Owner/Cable TV installer, Stoolbend, VA
Upon hearing Cleveland was getting his own spin off, Brown's President Mike Holmgren realized the incredible marketing and PR potential that could come from this partnership. Holmgren plans on starting Brown at QB and defended this decision by saying:
"My other two QBs are Jake Delhomme and Seneca Wallace."
7.) San Francisco 49ers -- Nick Montana, QB, Washington (RS Fr.)
According to my sources at KJR, as well as many other esteemed, non-biased members of the Seattle media like Jerry Brewer and Tom Condotta, Nick Montana is indeed the son of Joe Montana. Therefore, this pick has been justified. You cannot argue with this logic.
SCIENCE!
Along with Montana, the entire 49ers team will receive their very own Shape-Ups.
8.) Tennessee Titans -- Lane Kiffin, HC, USC (Fr.)
The thought behind this pick is, hey, we just lost our Head Coach when we fired Jeff Fisher. The last time Lane was in Tennessee, he did a bang up job. From what I can remember, everyone loved him. So, why not bring him in to help ticket sales?
Bonus: included in the Lane Kiffin draft selection is Lane Kiffin's wife.
9.) Dallas Cowboys -- Bernie Madoff, Financial Adviser, Butner, NC
Madoff, or #61727-054 as his friends call him, is a bit of a risky prospect. Sure, he's got all the tools you look for in a top draft pick, but his character and off the field stuff is really the thing you need to be wary of. Nevertheless, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones played football at Arkansas, and simply cannot pass up the opportunity to draft someone who wreaked such havoc on the SEC.
10.) Washington Redskins -- Alex Brink Space Pajamas, QB, The Year 2383
The Redskins need a QB in the worst way. Owner Dan Snyder realizes that he can't just keep throwing money at the problem, so he wisely invests in magic.
When asked who would ultimately wear the Alex Brink Space Pajamas and start at QB in 2011, Snyder responded:
"Does it really matter? They're going to be wearing the Alex Brink Space Pajamas. Wearing them is like adding bacon to something; it's impossible to not win."
The biggest surprise of the draft thus far is that Reid Forrest is STILL sitting in the Green Room waiting to be called. It's almost unfathomable that our Punter extraordinaire has yet to be selected. Stay tuned to see if he's snatched up by someone tomorrow. Picks 11-20 are up next!
